A Dreamer’s Dream

I often dream of myself walking through the streets of Rome, savoring the golden sunlight. I’m alone but I’m enjoying every second. My soul is restless but it is whole.

In this dream, I can taste every fruit at once, flavors taking their time to know my tongue. I breathe in bliss and exhale every moment that came before this one. I carry a journal, that is home to my thoughts about how this city carries herself with effortless beauty; chaotic but grounded.

My head never falls low. I am an explorer, never staying still, all while standing secure in inspiration. I print my lips on wine glasses and smeared ink finds it’s way on my skin from all the poems written at some cliche café. In this dream, I am out of my element and alone, but I am found.

What? Can’t a girl dream?

When You Start to Question ‘What if?’

We all want to be somewhere better than we are right now.

I’ve spent this past week livin in my head, just wondering what if.

What if I had gone away from home for college? What if I would’ve said yes to *insert something/someone here*?

What if, what if, what if?

It all started when I heard an idea this past week that all we are in the end is a story. At first, I wasn’t so sure but the more I thought about it, it made sense. So I started thinking, if my life is a story, then this is the part where everyone puts the book down. The plot has dwindled into stagnant waters, the loose ends have been knotted, and it’s predictable to see what’s ahead.

I’ve been panicking because nothing is really growing me right now. I don’t feel like I’m evolving. I was taught that if you’re not growing then you’re wilting. Is that true? I don’t know. There’s nothing really bad happening, but there’s also nothing really good. So am I wilting? Obviously I’m enjoying life but there’s nothing too exciting going on.

It’s kind of all at a standstill right now. That’s when the ‘what if’s’ come in. I can’t help but be one of those people who constantly wonder about every decision ever made, and what it could’ve lead to. But I don’t want to be that person because regret isn’t in my vocabulary– I tell myself that moment, that decision, it’s the right one no matter what because it’s the one I chose and I can’t spend my sacred time on worrying about if ‘what if?’

But I have been asking it so much recently. I’ve been wondering if I missed out on opportunities because of a certain decision. Would my life still be at this neutral, balanced place?

It’s silly to think and even sillier to complain about but it makes me feel so lost and… hopeless. I need action, I need emotion, I need to feel it all, all of the time. I’m still trying to figure everything out but I guess this is a sign. A sign that it’s time to end this chapter. To put the pen down and let life write itself a new page, a new story, with new characters and beautiful settings we’ve never explored before. There is no growth if you are comfortable, I know this. I know that I am very comfortable right now, so very content. There is nothing pushing me and there is nothing pulling me either. So I’m giving up the pen. I’m letting it all go and giving it all to the universe and hoping it takes me somewhere that will help shape me, somewhere that’s thrilling and brand new and won’t make me question the ‘what if’s?’

Taking a Break from Instagram

Long post that i’m sure no one will read or care about but it’s fine. I think about this day sometimes. I love yellow. Its happy and bright and lovely, which is exactly how I felt in this photo. I went through a dark phase for awhile- everything was in shades of blue and black and grey, like a bruise.

But then I healed and eventually started seeing yellow again and it was glorious. Now, I see in all shades of the rainbow now- baby blue, black, bright yellow, red, dark green and all that’s in between. My life is colorful and vibrant and there’s a little bit of everything and I feel it all and I love it. I’ve noticed that I’ve been thinking and feeling a lot more than usual lately- which says a lot, because i’m an empath already. Through all that thinking and feeling, I’ve come to the conclusion that i’m putting all my time and energy into the wrong things, and it’s really affecting my mood and happiness.

I’m not going to go into detail but I think that it’s best for my mental health and growth that I take a little break from Instagram. While it used to serve as my creative outlet and visual journal, I now feel like it’s a chore. It’s a reaction, to just automatically open the app and scroll. It’s just another thing that I go to when I’m bored. While I think social media is a powerful tool for so many things, that power can be good or bad. I’ve had a couple people come to me the past couple of weeks and say, “wow your life looks so fun on Insta, I wish I had it”. But it’s only one second, one moment, of a whole LIFE. a whole day. a whole memory. It only captures a little fragment of a bundle of emotions, sensations, and happenings.

I’ve always tried to portray myself as authentically as possible by opening up about my struggles with anxiety and depression. However, unfortunately I feel there will always be a barrier between you and I- between the person viewing your posts and the actual person behind the posts. Life is more than a post, we need to remind ourselves of that. There is always going to be a disconnect between words & actions/reality.

Anyways, what i’m trying to say is… i’m going to take a step back. i’m going to try to live my life without posting or scrolling everyday. I think it’s best for me and my wandering mine if my focus is elsewhere. I never have been like this never want to be that person that needs social media or needs validation from others through it. This might sound dumb and pointless and you’re like, okay katie quit being overdramatic, it’s just app.. and you’re exactly right. I’ll figure it out. Bye for now. 🖤

Taking Good Care of Yourself

It’s so important to take care of yourself. Mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally… in every way possible. Put yourself first always. I knew that I needed to start dedicating more time to myself in order for me to finally obtain happiness.

Mentally: Every time something bad happens or something doesn’t go as planned/my way, I make sure to remind myself you can’t always control how things go but you can control your reaction to them. This has helped me tremendously. Tough times are not going to get better by you complaining about them BUT they might get better if you have a positive outlook on the situation.

Sometimes I even count to ten and just breathe. It sounds cheesy but it is so helpful. It calms your mind and your heart and resets your emotions.

Physically: Working out sounds dreadful to some people but once I get in the routine of it, I actually look forward to it. A lot of aggravation, annoyance, and negative emotions can be ran off. Not only is cardio good for your body but it is also good for your mind. Also, it’s so important to make sure you’re listening to your body and staying in tune with it. That means nourishing it with healthy foods but also knowing that eating your guilty pleasures and spoiling yourself with desserts is 100% okay in moderation. Sometimes you just need the chocolate chip cookie and that’s okay.

Spiritually: Not sure what this means for everyone else but for me, this means being totally in tune with yourself in every aspect. It means being kind to others and yourself. Loving yourself and your neighbors. Believing that this life is more than just you. This one might be the hardest to achieve.. but I promise it’s attainable and worth every second of your time and effort.

Emotionally: This is also pretty tough but, being in touch with your emotions and being able to control them is so important. Stepping outside of situations and looking at it from an objective point of view is very difficult, but I think it helps. Many times we are so emotionally invested that we forget the bigger picture and get distracted by our feelings. Remember your worth and what your end goal is.

Some other tips: Dedicate a day to yourself each week. Humans are always on the go, whether it’s school, work, kids, pets, or other priorities, we have many responsibilities that can sometimes feel heavier than we can carry. One day a week. Or even a month.

Get your favorite food for carry out. Walk your dog at the park and soak up the sun. Go see your favorite person. Travel, as much as you can. Talk to strangers. Find a cute coffee shop and go take cute photos there with your friends. Whatever it is that makes your soul shine, do it. You deserve it.