When You Start to Question ‘What if?’

We all want to be somewhere better than we are right now.

I’ve spent this past week livin in my head, just wondering what if.

What if I had gone away from home for college? What if I would’ve said yes to *insert something/someone here*?

What if, what if, what if?

It all started when I heard an idea this past week that all we are in the end is a story. At first, I wasn’t so sure but the more I thought about it, it made sense. So I started thinking, if my life is a story, then this is the part where everyone puts the book down. The plot has dwindled into stagnant waters, the loose ends have been knotted, and it’s predictable to see what’s ahead.

I’ve been panicking because nothing is really growing me right now. I don’t feel like I’m evolving. I was taught that if you’re not growing then you’re wilting. Is that true? I don’t know. There’s nothing really bad happening, but there’s also nothing really good. So am I wilting? Obviously I’m enjoying life but there’s nothing too exciting going on.

It’s kind of all at a standstill right now. That’s when the ‘what if’s’ come in. I can’t help but be one of those people who constantly wonder about every decision ever made, and what it could’ve lead to. But I don’t want to be that person because regret isn’t in my vocabulary– I tell myself that moment, that decision, it’s the right one no matter what because it’s the one I chose and I can’t spend my sacred time on worrying about if ‘what if?’

But I have been asking it so much recently. I’ve been wondering if I missed out on opportunities because of a certain decision. Would my life still be at this neutral, balanced place?

It’s silly to think and even sillier to complain about but it makes me feel so lost and… hopeless. I need action, I need emotion, I need to feel it all, all of the time. I’m still trying to figure everything out but I guess this is a sign. A sign that it’s time to end this chapter. To put the pen down and let life write itself a new page, a new story, with new characters and beautiful settings we’ve never explored before. There is no growth if you are comfortable, I know this. I know that I am very comfortable right now, so very content. There is nothing pushing me and there is nothing pulling me either. So I’m giving up the pen. I’m letting it all go and giving it all to the universe and hoping it takes me somewhere that will help shape me, somewhere that’s thrilling and brand new and won’t make me question the ‘what if’s?’

Published by Katie

in love with words & this life of mine.

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