I sit here in front of the screen and type sentences that I think only make sense only to me. I continue to delete them all and start over, over and over again. I think it’s because most of the time, I’m writing about my thoughts and feelings, and I’m like, ‘who would want to read about those?’ or ‘aren’t these people going to get tired of hearing the same stuff over and over again?’ Ha. But the more I think about it, the more I remember that I started this blog for me, for those who think like me, and struggle with the same things I struggle with. So, who cares if some people don’t relate, if some disagree, or if I get only a few views on a post. It’s not about quantity but rather quality. I’d rather put something out there for people to know what’s going on inside my ever-changing mind of mine if it means at least one person might relate.
I always strive to portray the rawest, truest version of myself. Especially online, because most people hide behind their screens and make everything look like a dream… which is not the case, ever. Everyone is dealing with their demons, they just don’t always display it.
I struggle with depression and anxiety, but I want to specifically talk about my anxiety in this post- something I think is not paid attention to or taken seriously enough. People just brush it off their shoulders like it’s nothing. But in reality, it’s crippling. It controls me and every move the I make, every word I say, all of my reactions. — if I do this, then what could happen? Will I disappoint or offend anyone? Will I hurt anyone? Am I too annoying, or too much in general? Do my friends even like me anymore? Will anyone ever love me? What if they don’t?
Oh. My. Goodness. Literally. Every. Possible. Outcome. These thoughts run through my head, both good and bad- but my mind chooses to focus on the bad and tells me that these horrible things WILL happen. Little things that don’t even worry most people, give me anxiety attacks.
It starts with worry and completely spirals and one thing leads to another and boom, my heart is racing in my chest and I feel paralyzed.
Anxiety pesters me and keeps me up all night, till 2 or 3am. It wakes me up in the morning with a big ole devious grin, like it knows what it’s doing but won’t stop until it passes or gets fixed. This stuff might sound silly to you, I may sound insane and over dramatic , you might say “chill out” or “don’t worry” but I literally can not control it, it controls me. I’ve always been like this but held it inside until I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I didn’t get formally diagnosed with both anxiety and depression until last August. I’m lucky enough to have my mama to be my own personal therapists but some people aren’t as lucky. They just have to deal with it internally and all of that builds up. Anxiety has the ability to eat you alive.