Update on my mind:
Truthfully, every time I sit down in front of this big white screen, I just get discouraged and intimidated. I think that sharing your deepest and darkest thoughts with the internet takes a lot of guts, boldness, and courage and sometimes I feel like I might not have any of those. But deep down, I know that’s just not true; I’m more than capable of being bold, courage is woven in my veins, and my intuition would beg to differ about me not having any guts. I guess when it all dwindles down to it, I’m just scared.
I used to tell everyone everything. Seriously, I was an open book- you could pick me up, flip to one page, and you would still get the whole dang story! But nope, not anymore. I’ve sealed the edges to my ‘story’ and not even I have been able to pry those paper-thin edges open.
Over the past few months, (more like year or so), I’ve been going through a war in my mind. (I’ve actually made a few blog posts about it in the past.) I was formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety last August. Internally, I’ve always known there was something dark beckoning its’ way in but I never, ever thought that it would consume me this much. Externally, everything was fine.
Living with this illness is an everyday struggle. Some days I wake up and I think to myself how lucky and blessed I am and how beautiful the sun is and how everything is great and I can’t even imagine being sad at all.. and then the darkness finds me and chases me until I wake up the next day and I’m literally exhausted from running from my own mind, tired of putting on a fake smile, worried about if my sadness is reflecting onto others and bringing others down, and anxious about what ever tiny thing it is that I choose to dwell on that day.
I’ve been meaning to sit down and get all of this out. Honestly, this isn’t even the rawest form of how I feel but it’s progress for me that I’m even able to process my thoughts on to the screen. It’s unreal how many times I’ve sat down and typed then deleted then typed then deleted then typed then just shut my laptop and went on with my day.
But it’s important to address how you’re feeling and let others know because:
1. it’s not okay to bottle anything up inside, whether it’s sadness, anxiety, disappointment, fear. It’s not healthy and will end up exploding.
2. maybe somebody else feels the same way you do and seeing how you feel gives them courage to open up to someone else, write it down in a journal, or share their own thoughts on their own blog or social media platform.
3. the stigma of mental illnesses is incredibly unhealthy and unfair. nobody should ever feel afraid or discouraged to pour out their own heart and thoughts. (i’m thinking of making a whole separate blog post about the stigma of mental illnesses because this is a topic i’m extremely passionate about and feels like awareness needs to be brought to it.)
Getting these thoughts off my chest reminds me to remind everyone else: I am not crazy, weird, fragile, or replaceable. I am not overdramatic or ‘making it up’. I’m not a broken object, I am a human being with real feelings and emotions. This is how I feel and just because someone else, (or you), might not feel that way, or have ever felt this way, does not mean that it is not valid.