My soul is longing for something more. I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what it is, I just know it’s more. I feel like the universe is trying to tell me, “this isn’t who you are supposed to be forever. You are called to do something more, to be something more, to feel something more.”
I’ve been thinking really diligently on what ‘more’ could possibly consist of but there’s nothing that I can think of that screams, “Yes! This is it!!!”
Truthfully right now I just feel like i’m standing in quicksand and the more I try to move forward and get out, the more I sink. As I stand here, drowning, I look around and there’s not really anything that’s dramatically enticing me to keep trying to get out and move forward anyways. I want to – of course I do, but it’s so much work. It’s extremely discouraging because I know I’m attached and immovable. And the path paved before me doesn’t look too promising. And frankly, I don’t know where i’m going anyways. And i’m all alone, in the middle of this great big intimidating forest, stuck.
How do I get out of this? What am I reaching for? When is this going to get better? Why was I naive enough to let myself step in this quicksand?
Truly, I don’t really know how I’m going to get out of this. I know I’m on my way though. Seriously, even if I take two steps forward and sixteen steps back, I am trying my best. And I think that’s what counts.
Currently i’m taking it day by day, gripping on for dear life to the teeny tiny thoughts in the very back of my head that faintly whisper, “We are going to get through this.” It’s not as easy as it sounds. I’ve got these booming voices that tell me much worse things and it’s almost like I can’t focus on anything else besides them because they’re just so obnoxiously loud and believable. But, I am working on closing my eyes and drowning out the overbearingly repugnant lies and listening intently for the hushed truths.
I know some people say, “the sky is the limit”, but I don’t think you can put a limit on anything, really. You should definitely never restrict yourself from being more. I don’t want to be confined or minimized – I want to branch out and hold on to new people’s hearts and get black ink put on my body forever and learn what it’s like to get back up, dust myself off, and keep walking after a tragic fall. I want to write poems about strangers I’ll never see again and make it known to people that deep down to the core, I am just like you, dealing with all this havoc we call life, trying to find serenity and stillness amongst the chaos. I want people to see me for who I truly am and love me anyways. I want to see new cities and explore the world and all of its people and towns and minds and hearts and buildings and wanders.
And I know I know, I am not the creator of the universe. I don’t call the shots and I definitely don’t know what’s going to happen next. Nothing about the future is promised and I was never guaranteed that happiness was going to be there waiting for me. When this pain and confusion and doubt is going to go away, is unknown to me. It is not in my hands and frankly, I don’t really want it to be because I think I’d just make an even more disastrous mess of this all. So I’m taking comfort that the universe is handling me the way it wants to. Because I know that whatever happens, is what’s meant to be. (This concept is super difficult to accept and understand but it’s the only thing that helps me make sense of all of this.)
Even though it is still difficult to drag myself out of bed and dive into the world of reality- there is something that has changed. Somehow, someway- in the midst of my gloom, I have finally found Hope. I have rekindled my romance with Passion. I have this desire that my soul was meant to know and be known. I have this ambition that I do not have one sole purpose of being brought into this reality; however, I do believe a huge part of me being here is to love and be loved. This forgiving, gigantic, yearning heart was not meant to just sit here, I’ll tell ya that.
And as I write the thoughts going through my head right now, I hear that whisper of a voice. She is telling me that I am not naive for stepping in this quicksand. I took a chance when I stepped forward into the realm of the unfamiliar- or, I guess it was more of a leap of faith. She tells me that if anything, I am hopeful. I saw something that’s sole intention was to bring me down and I didn’t think it would. Does that make me naive? Does that make me stupid? You’re probably thinking yes, Katie, it does. I know that’s what my mind is telling me, anyways. But I think today, I’m going to choose to listen to the small murmur in the back of my mind. I am tired of listening to the deafening melancholy. My focus has shifted and I hope that endures.
As I wrap this up, I know that my soul is out there right now, searching for something more. And I can’t wait till her iridescent-self finds her way back to me. I know that my heart is in my chest, begging and pleading for there to feel something more. And I am giddy and patient for when it does. I know that my mind is wandering to hold on to something more. And I am hopeful that it will find that ‘more’ and never let it go.
I don’t know what ‘more’ is, I’ll let you know when I do.
I am so excited to find out.