Recently, I’ve felt super drained. It feels as if someone took me and poured out every good thing I had left inside of me and then left me exactly like this, to deal with it all on my own. I am exhausted. It’s to the point where getting out of bed everyday is honestly a tremendous struggle for me. And not because i’m lazy – let’s face it, we’re all a little lazy and don’t want to get up – but because thinking about leaving my cushion of comfort to face the harsh and overwhelming world of reality sounds completely and utterly dreadful. If i’m being honest with you, I haven’t written because I know whatever production occurs will be soul sucking and discouraging to the audience and that’s not what my initial intention of this whole blog was. But sometimes you just need to relieve yourself. Sometimes it feels as if all the color was sucked out of you, only to be left with this grey and black world, and you need to do everything you can to thrive. You have to work up the courage to not only roll out of bed and put two feet on the ground to face your catastrophe, but you have to stretch your hands up to the sky to reach for something more.
I feel like the more I carry on with all of this, the more I just sound ungrateful and pathetic. The truth is, my appreciation for life and everything within it extends farther than the ends of the universe. Anyone who knows me personally acknowledges the fact that I really do love my life, even though that feeling is kind of buried right now underneath a sand pile that consists of my thoughts. I still possess that appreciation, I do, but my mind is more focused negativity. Some might say, “well Katie… just think positive.” And what geniuses you are!!!! I wish I would’ve thought of that myself. But here’s the thing: I have thought of it myself and I have tried to look on the brighter side of things. This is what i’ve spent my whole life doing and this is what gets me through my days, but my mind has manifested itself into something so much more deeper than anyone could imagine, including myself. I have dug myself into a deep abyss of discomfort, anxiety, and depression, and I’m not really sure how to get out. It is hard for me to think positive when I feel emotionally exhausted, physically drained, and spiritually dead. It is difficult for me to look for the light when every time I think I’ve found it, I reach for it and reach for it and reach for it and I just can’t hold it in the palm of my hand.
My heart is shattered and I am unable to piece it back together. My heart is on the ground, in the middle of the street, in the center of a stampede, and nobody notices. Everyone carries on with their lives, day by day, and just walks all over it. They stomp on it, they crush it, and they don’t even seem to notice or care. They completely disregard my what-once-was full and delightful heart. They know it’s broken yet they just keep up the damage, as if it is their duty. I really didn’t know it was possible for something so broken to feel so heavy in my chest all the time. And I am waiting for the day this weight is lifted off of me and I am set free of heartache. I am waiting for the day where I can find the balance of opening up my heart to people but not giving the whole thing away to everyone. I think I really just need protection, healing, and maybe some bandaids.
Now let me tell ya, there is something comforting of releasing the concealed and sullen thoughts you possess into the realm of the unknown. I can’t quite grasp why I feel this way, it’s just the knowing that each of you reading has a piece of me and gets to know me. Or maybe the fact that a majority of you I might not even know personally, we might have carried not much more than a few conversations, or maybe you’re my closest companion, but i’ll never know. I don’t know why that sets my soul at ease. I feel like it should be the opposite, like I should be terrified or anxious. I guess it’s because you choose to be here, you choose to hear my voice – or rather inhale my words, you choose to see me for who I really am but you still might not even know me to the core, you carry a piece of me with you and I would never know unless you told me, and I will never know your response. I will never know if you’re judging me or you’re questioning me or you’re agreeing with me. And I like that. (Although it is nice to hear what people have to say and I LOVE when people message me how they’re feeling or their response to my blogs. I want to hear people’s voices just as much as I want to shout mine).
In this moment, as I put my demons on exhibition, as I stand before you emotionally stripped, I want you to know this: I am so much more than what I’m feeling right now. I am a human and I have layers. I know what it feels like to genuinely love myself and all of life’s greatest adventures and blessings. I know what family feels like and they are all my only constants amidst this chaos, and the calm to my storm. In the past, I have felt love and joy on a level that I didn’t even think was possible. This darkness might be consuming me but it does not define me. This feeling might be suffocating me but it will not defeat me. I might feel colorless and weak but I believe that the vibrant and powerful soul I knew I once was will find her way back to me. I am an (almost) eighteen year old girl who believes in the bigger picture, who flourishes whether you water her or not. I am the girl who is searching for something to hold on to, even something just as little and simple as passerby’s smile. I know there is more to this life of mine than all of this, I know that I will seek guidance and I will be joyful once more. I know that one day I will wake up and I will see the light and actually be able to keep it firm in the palm of my hand.
But for right now, this is what’s real when it comes to me. And I can’t help but be honest with you all because I need to be honest with myself.